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Helping Cleveland Jews find their soulmates
By: STEPHANIE GARBER Contributing Reporter
While figures on singles in Cleveland's Orthodox community remain elusive and a perusal of Web sites dedicated to helping singles meet turns up less than a dozen Clevelanders in the thousands of profiles listed, Miriam Berkowitz of Beachwood insists that each single is a crisis for the community.
"As Jews, our numbers are so small that helping each person find his or her match should be top priority," she says. "It's imperative for Jewish continuity."
Berkowitz belongs to a shidduch (matchmaking) group of four married women who meet monthly with that very goal in mind. The group is currently comprised of Berkowitz, Chani Nisenbaum, Rita
Schonfeld and Shantel Modes. Its members have changed over the years as people have moved, joined or left, but Nisenbaum and Schonfeld are two of the original members.
Because the women are known throughout the community, people feel comfortable sharing names of singles with them, knowing the identities will be kept secret - both as a matter of tact, and in observance of Jewish law.
"We don't share names (outside the group) because of loshon hora (idle gossip) issues," explains Schonfeld. There are shidduch groups all over the country, she says, and some are so strict that, even among group members, only initials are used when sharing singles' profiles. Profiles are especially necessary in the Orthodox community because there are variations about "where the singles' frumkeit (level of observance) lies."
While Cleveland's Orthodox community doesn't obsess over tablecloth issues (that's more of a "New York thing," Schonfeld asserts), there are definite distinctions among the Orthodox that must be considered when trying to make a match.
"A modern Orthodox girl doesn't cover her hair and might wear pants, whereas a machmer Orthodox girl will cover her hair and will not wear pants. Obviously, you're not going to match a very modern Orthodox girl with a yeshiva boy," says Berkowitz.
And there are distinctions in the boys' camp, too. "There are yeshiva boys who sit and learn all day, and earners and learners who learn, but work as well," says Schonfeld, noting that some girls have a definite preference for one or the other. Realistically, she says, it's ridiculous to consider pairing a Hasid with a modern Orthodox, but she sometimes advises singles who ask questions like "Does he (or she) have a TV in their home?" to consider why it is such an important issue. "If you like each other, you can work it out after. If there's a will, there's a way."
When people call the shidduch group, Schonfeld explains, the women ask the caller for a bio, a picture (which no one outside the group sees, but it helps the women make connections), and some references. And the women do check the references.
"We had one guy who was calling us two or three times a week, but we couldn't get hold of any of his references. And at least one man said he didn't even know the guy. We found out he'd been calling other shidduch groups in other cities as well," says Schonfeld. The next time he called, she asked him why he was giving references that didn't check out. After that, "he hung up on me and never called back."
While incidents like that may be few and far between, Schonfeld says when it comes to security, it's always better to err on the side of safety. As a result, the women are diligent about their background checks before they'll suggest a name to someone.
Nine out of ten times, kids themselves fix each other up, says Schonfeld, admitting that girls are "better at this" than boys. When it comes to their own children, mothers of girls are, for the most part, a little more persuasive about urging their offspring to try a potential match than mothers of boys.
"We all think our boys are so wonderful, so perfect, that mothers of boys are sometimes the hardest people to deal with," Schonfeld laments with a laugh.
The most difficult matchmaking issue for girls is often when girls enter their late 20s. "Often," says Schonfeld, "the girls think, 'I've waited this long, so I might as well wait until I get exactly what I want.'"
Schonfeld urges them to "at least try. Every person you meet is one chance closer to meeting your shidduch."
When the group learns of a new name, they check to see if there are any potential matches from their Cleveland files. (The "files" are often just little scraps of paper with chicken scratchings, says Schonfeld.) If not, the women contact sources from other shidduch groups in Columbus, Detroit, Pittsburgh, New York and even across the border into Toronto.
Pittsburgh has been a successful area for several of Cleveland's singles, notes Schonfeld, while New Yorkers are sometimes kind of funny about that initial contact. "People who live in New York think the world begins and ends there. They think we live in the boondocks in Cleveland."
And, judging from some of the responses she's received, they're not shy about sharing that opinion.
People are sometimes disappointed when they call one of the shidduch group members to inquire about a match for a single if they don't get an immediate suggestion. Schonfeld recalls a woman calling her shortly before a wedding to ask her to "look for someone for my niece."
Schonfeld called the woman back to report, "All I could see was a sea of black hats, and how am I going to be able to tell who's single from that?
"We tell people not to get discouraged; sometimes it takes a while, but you never know. Sometimes something will come up and someone will just click," she adds.
As an example, she cites one young man whom she knew very well that she called about a possible young woman. For some reason or other (she believes it was school-related), the young man had recently "gone off the market." But he called Schonfeld back shortly after and said, "You know, I have a really good friend who's just like me, but he's ready to go out."
Schonfeld made the necessary calls, and, she's happy to report, that couple ended up getting married.
"We have so many good kids out there, and it breaks my heart that they're having a hard time finding a match," says Schonfeld who admits that, at times, she's gotten so emotionally involved with a possible match, that when it hasn't panned out, she's cried.
"We're not professional shadchans (matchmakers) like in Baltimore or New York who do this when you bring them money," she says. "We're housewives and teachers who just want to help."
Well, actually, there is one other incentive, Schonfeld says, and she hopes it will inspire others to bring singles in the community together. If you've helped pair three shidduchim, you'll go straight to olam habah (heaven).
"As Jews, our numbers are so small that helping each person find his or her match should be top priority," she says. "It's imperative for Jewish continuity."
Berkowitz belongs to a shidduch (matchmaking) group of four married women who meet monthly with that very goal in mind. The group is currently comprised of Berkowitz, Chani Nisenbaum, Rita
Schonfeld and Shantel Modes. Its members have changed over the years as people have moved, joined or left, but Nisenbaum and Schonfeld are two of the original members.
Because the women are known throughout the community, people feel comfortable sharing names of singles with them, knowing the identities will be kept secret - both as a matter of tact, and in observance of Jewish law.
"We don't share names (outside the group) because of loshon hora (idle gossip) issues," explains Schonfeld. There are shidduch groups all over the country, she says, and some are so strict that, even among group members, only initials are used when sharing singles' profiles. Profiles are especially necessary in the Orthodox community because there are variations about "where the singles' frumkeit (level of observance) lies."
While Cleveland's Orthodox community doesn't obsess over tablecloth issues (that's more of a "New York thing," Schonfeld asserts), there are definite distinctions among the Orthodox that must be considered when trying to make a match.
"A modern Orthodox girl doesn't cover her hair and might wear pants, whereas a machmer Orthodox girl will cover her hair and will not wear pants. Obviously, you're not going to match a very modern Orthodox girl with a yeshiva boy," says Berkowitz.
And there are distinctions in the boys' camp, too. "There are yeshiva boys who sit and learn all day, and earners and learners who learn, but work as well," says Schonfeld, noting that some girls have a definite preference for one or the other. Realistically, she says, it's ridiculous to consider pairing a Hasid with a modern Orthodox, but she sometimes advises singles who ask questions like "Does he (or she) have a TV in their home?" to consider why it is such an important issue. "If you like each other, you can work it out after. If there's a will, there's a way."
When people call the shidduch group, Schonfeld explains, the women ask the caller for a bio, a picture (which no one outside the group sees, but it helps the women make connections), and some references. And the women do check the references.
"We had one guy who was calling us two or three times a week, but we couldn't get hold of any of his references. And at least one man said he didn't even know the guy. We found out he'd been calling other shidduch groups in other cities as well," says Schonfeld. The next time he called, she asked him why he was giving references that didn't check out. After that, "he hung up on me and never called back."
While incidents like that may be few and far between, Schonfeld says when it comes to security, it's always better to err on the side of safety. As a result, the women are diligent about their background checks before they'll suggest a name to someone.
Nine out of ten times, kids themselves fix each other up, says Schonfeld, admitting that girls are "better at this" than boys. When it comes to their own children, mothers of girls are, for the most part, a little more persuasive about urging their offspring to try a potential match than mothers of boys.
"We all think our boys are so wonderful, so perfect, that mothers of boys are sometimes the hardest people to deal with," Schonfeld laments with a laugh.
The most difficult matchmaking issue for girls is often when girls enter their late 20s. "Often," says Schonfeld, "the girls think, 'I've waited this long, so I might as well wait until I get exactly what I want.'"
Schonfeld urges them to "at least try. Every person you meet is one chance closer to meeting your shidduch."
When the group learns of a new name, they check to see if there are any potential matches from their Cleveland files. (The "files" are often just little scraps of paper with chicken scratchings, says Schonfeld.) If not, the women contact sources from other shidduch groups in Columbus, Detroit, Pittsburgh, New York and even across the border into Toronto.
Pittsburgh has been a successful area for several of Cleveland's singles, notes Schonfeld, while New Yorkers are sometimes kind of funny about that initial contact. "People who live in New York think the world begins and ends there. They think we live in the boondocks in Cleveland."
And, judging from some of the responses she's received, they're not shy about sharing that opinion.
People are sometimes disappointed when they call one of the shidduch group members to inquire about a match for a single if they don't get an immediate suggestion. Schonfeld recalls a woman calling her shortly before a wedding to ask her to "look for someone for my niece."
Schonfeld called the woman back to report, "All I could see was a sea of black hats, and how am I going to be able to tell who's single from that?
"We tell people not to get discouraged; sometimes it takes a while, but you never know. Sometimes something will come up and someone will just click," she adds.
As an example, she cites one young man whom she knew very well that she called about a possible young woman. For some reason or other (she believes it was school-related), the young man had recently "gone off the market." But he called Schonfeld back shortly after and said, "You know, I have a really good friend who's just like me, but he's ready to go out."
Schonfeld made the necessary calls, and, she's happy to report, that couple ended up getting married.
"We have so many good kids out there, and it breaks my heart that they're having a hard time finding a match," says Schonfeld who admits that, at times, she's gotten so emotionally involved with a possible match, that when it hasn't panned out, she's cried.
"We're not professional shadchans (matchmakers) like in Baltimore or New York who do this when you bring them money," she says. "We're housewives and teachers who just want to help."
Well, actually, there is one other incentive, Schonfeld says, and she hopes it will inspire others to bring singles in the community together. If you've helped pair three shidduchim, you'll go straight to olam habah (heaven).
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