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Laugh if you can: the Jewish mother
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BY: Lila Hanft Staff Reporter
Jewish mother jokes have been a mainstay of American comedy for more than 50 years.
Borscht Belt resorts and urban delis once overflowed with the laughter elicited by Jewish mother jokes.
Even now, college freshmen (and heck, college professors!) laugh with relief when they found other Jewish offspring to commiserate with about mothers who won’t let go. (What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler? Eventually the rottweiler lets go.)
The jokes don’t all ring true, but if you have a Jewish mother, no matter how nice she is, there will be at least one joke that hits home.
So go ahead, laugh n while you still can. One day, God willing, you’ll have kids of your own, and you’ll be the Jewish mother, and believe me, you won’t think it’s so funny then.
Same verse, different tunes
Just in time for Mother’s Day, four very different books about the Jewish mother have arrived in bookstores. One is a distinguished scholar’s well-researched book; another is the text of a stand-up comedian’s sold-out one-woman show. A third is a little volume of jokes, quizzes and factoids, and the fourth is an idiosyncratic account written by a popular writer and talk show guest.
The four books differ greatly in tone and scope and are written for very different audiences. But they all glean plenty of fodder from the vast field of Jewish mother jokes, and they use them both to entertain the reader and to engage the reader in more serious analysis.
There are other similarities as well. All four books dissect the popular image of the Jewish mother by exploring the history, logic and believability of the stereotype. All attempt to reclaim the Jewish mother by recasting her in a positive light, and all offer examples of Jewish mothers whose penchant for aggressive meddling, overprotectiveness, guilt-tripping or paranoia have made them unacknowledged heroines of Jewish life.
The list of these mothers of valor includes Golda Meir, Betty Friedan, Bella Abzug, Jennie Grossinger, Barbara Walters, Gertrude Berg (TV’s Molly Goldberg), Sophie Tucker, Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler — depending on the author’s definition of valor.
These books also challenge the validity of the Jewish mother stereotype by offering counterexamples from the lives of contemporary Jewish women n themselves included. Yet none of them can resist telling some Jewish mother jokes of their own.
Clearly, each of the books was written with the conscious understanding that while having a Jewish mother may be great for laughs, being a Jewish mother confronted with a negative stereotype isn’t much fun at all.
The mother of all Jewish mother books
Joyce Antler, professor of American Jewish history and culture at Brandeis University and mother of two, has been studying and writing about the stereotype of the Jewish mother for several decades.
Her new book You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother is an entertaining blend of humor and history. Antler’s depth of knowledge and sensitivity to nuance is evident as she looks at representations of Jewish mothers from the immigrant icon of “My Yiddishe Mama” to contemporary stand-up comedians Judy Gold, Sarah Silverman, and her own daughter, Lauren Antler. Watch the short, funny interview with Antler and her daughter at www.jwa.org/discover/throughtheyear/may/mothers/antler/.)
The first half of the book, “The Nagging Stereotype,” offers a fascinating view of the Jewish mother in Yiddish theater and American theater, radio and early television. Antler examines major fictional Jewish mothers but also compares them, when possible, with the real-life women like Sophie Tucker and Gertrude Berg, who as authors and performers brought these icons to life.
Berg created the character Molly Goldberg, the nurturing Jewish mother at the heart of the popular radio and early TV show “The Rise of the Goldbergs.” Antler describes Berg as “a powerful, one-woman ‘auteur’” who wrote more than 10,000 of the scripts for “The Goldbergs,” “starred in it, and produced and directed as well.” While Molly was a working-class wife and mother, Berg was “a sophisticated, modern intellectual and a pioneering writer, actor, and producer at a time when few women held leadership roles in media.”
After WW II, Antler writes, the Jewish mother was portrayed as “aggressive and manipulative, living vicariously through her children, especially sons. she was drawn as a ‘satirical harpy’ — domineering, meddling, suffocating.” The most virulent examples are the fictional Jewish mothers created by male writers like Bruce Jay Friedman in Mother’s Kisses (1964) and Philip Roth in Portnoy’s Complaint (1969).
Antler argues that negative “representations of the Jewish mother reveal deep-seated anxieties about Jews’ relation to the culture at large.” In other words, the Jewish mother, with her exaggerated intrusiveness and aggression, was the scapegoat for feelings of alienation and self-loathing which Jewish men believed prevented them from smoothly assimilating into American society.
The second half of Antler’s book begins with “the generation of American Jewish daughters who came of age in the 1960s.” It deals with the ambivalent relationship the feminist movement has had with motherhood in general and Jewish motherhood in particular. Initially, rebelling daughters rejected their mothers as negative role models. “Daughters worried that they might become as unhappy, frustrated, and controlling as their own mothers,” writes Antler. Betty Friedan, “who admitted she wrote The Feminine Mystique to distance herself from her mother,” blamed her mother (a journalist who regretted giving up her work when she married) for “dominating the family” and for being “hypocritical” and “selfish.”
Ultimately, Antler argues, the image of the Jewish mother has been neither static nor relentlessly hostile. “Nurturant, enabling portraits of mothers,” like those found in Wendy Wasserstein’s “The Sisters Rosensweig” or Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent, “attest to the resiliciency and adaptability of the image over time.”
The Jewish mother as a 6’ lesbian stand-up comic
“Did Milton Berle, Alan King, Sid Caesar, or Woody Allen really invent the stereotype of the Jewish mother? Or had it always been there, lying nascent in some shtetl, just ripe for the picking?”
Judy Gold
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother is a very different sort of book from the others n both funnier and more personal. Over a five-year period, comedian Judy Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan interviewed Jewish mothers all over the country of all denominations and ages. They asked each one 25 questions that ranged from “Why do you think Jewish mothers are the butt of so many jokes?” to “Have you ever experienced anti-Semitism?” and “Would you sit shiva if your child married a non-Jew?”
Those interviews became the kernel of Gold’s sold-out one-woman show “25 Questions for a Jewish Mother” and now the book of the same title. Gold uses the women’s answers sparingly as touchstones for her own thoughts and jokes as she creates a narrative of herself as both the daughter of a Jewish mother and as a Jewish mother herself. Gold has two boys she raises with her former long-term partner (she quips that she feels sorry for her kids because they have two Jewish mothers).
Gold’s relentlessly funny jokes and observations (see sidebar) aren’t there simply for laughs. Throughout the volume, they develop into a more complicated understanding of the Jewish mother, one that evokes Gold’s sympathy for her ruthless mother, while allowing her to accept the Jewish mother n the worrier, the nag — in herself.
“When this began, all I wanted to prove was that I was different from the typical Jewish mother,” Gold writes. “But interviewing these women has enriched my life … Hearing their stories gave me strength, and I also got to know my mother in a way I never had before. She’s still part of my act n I mean, I have to make a living now that I have two kids to support. I need material.”
Instant Jewish mother
The other two books on the Jewish mother are less sure-footed. Both of them, while at times funny and uplifting, are essentially confused about what they’re trying to achieve.
Laurie Rozakis’s The Portable Jewish Mother: Guilt, Food, and When are you Giving Me Grandchildren? is an entertaining if odd little book of quizzes, short profiles, and fun facts. Its cover resembles a soup can (matzah ball, of course), and the book is intended to be a “portable” version of a Jewish mother. “Now you can carry advice and guilt with you all the time,” Rozakis writes.
The confusing thing is that while the book purports to teach mothers how to act, think and talk like a stereotypical Jewish mother, it also argues that when you get to know them, Jewish mothers aren’t anything like the stereotypes in those awful jokes.
Rozakis is certainly funny, but the book is erratic in tone and in scope.
Truth without humor
The chatty Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother by writer and popular talk-show guest Marnie Winston-Macauley is an intriquing but disordered tangle of history, anecdotes, jokes, and fun facts.
She does bring in some unusual perspectives, including that of Jewish mothers in sports (she interviews gymnast Kerri Strug’s mother).
More than the other three books, Macauley’s emphasizes a Jewish mother’s pride in and unconditional love for her children. As Mallory Lewis, daughter of the late Shari Lewis, says, “Mom died in 1998. My son was born in 1999. When something great happens, I long to talk to her … I’m shocked I don’t have her number.”
Macauley does manage to provide a richer portrait of the Jewish mother, even if she doesn’t succeed in creating a coherent account of why the stereotype of the Jewish mother exists or the function it serves.
She ends the book with “The Aleph-baiz of Jewish Mother Humor,” 26 of the the least funny Jewish mother jokes ever written because they’re all loving depictions of the Jewish mother’s homespun immigrant wisdom.
The best jokes, it has been suggested, are attempts to misplace hostility. Judy Gold sometimes describes her Jewish mother jokes as the silver lining in a childhood of storms.
“My mother always says, ‘Without me, you’d have no act,’” Gold says. “She is constantly calling and asking me, ‘Where are my residuals?’”
lhanft@cjn.org
What is a Jewish mother?
“The Jewish mother stereotype is a common stereotype used by Jewish comedians, usually when discussing (fictionally or not) their mothers. The stereotype generally involves a nagging, overprotective, and overbearing mother, one who is often getting involved in her children’s lives long after they have grown up.”
Wikipedia entry for Jewish mother
Mother: Hello, Amila. I don’t know if you heard the latest on the portable stereos, but they’re saying that the foam earpiece on the headphones is a prime breeding ground for bacteria. So if you still insist on walking around with the headphones on, you may wanna take an antibiotic. OK, hon?
Mother: Hi, Amila. It’s me, honey. If you haven’t already left to go to the motor vehicle bureau, keep in mind that the wait is very long. So before you get in line, you may wanna empty your bladder. All right, honey, that’s all for now. Bye-bye.
Mother: (singing) … How old are you now? How old are you now? Better hurry and find a husband before your ovaries shut down. All right, that’s just a little creativity for my birthday girl. I love you, sweetie.
Amy Borkowsky, Amy’s Answering Machine: Messages from Mom (cited in Antler You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother)
“We asked each woman what her favorite Jewish mother joke was, if she had one. … Mine has always been ‘How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?’
“‘None. I’ll sit in the dark.’
“My mother’s is ‘Three women are sitting on a park bench. One says, “Oy,” Another says “Oy.” And the third one says, “I thought we weren’t going to take about the kids today.’”
Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan, 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother
“My mother took guilt to a whole new level … Every holiday, before the meal, we started with my mother’s unique version of the opening baruchah, which I renamed the ‘Lack of Appreciation Blessing.’ It was very prevalent during Passover seders, and it went something like this: ‘Never again! I work so hard, and no one appreciates it. Why do I continue to try? I have no idea. Well, this is it. This is the last seder you’ll see from me. The last time. What’s the point?’ We’d look at each other and say ‘Amen’ quickly …”
Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan, 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother
“A Jewish mother would call and say, ‘Honey, have you looked outside? It’s snowing. You might want to put on a jacket. You know what, on second thought, maybe a snowsuit; I’m gonna revise that, you’re gonna need a sheild. On third thought, don’t go outside at all … you could die!’
But a Jewish feminist mother would call and say, ‘honey, have you looked outside? It’s snowing. I hope you don’t think that’s a reason to stay inside and take a break from fighting the patriarchy. Because the misogyny happens out there whether it’s raining or sleeting or snowing or whatever. And what?! Are you going to wait for a man to shovel the snow? I don’t think so. Let’s get serious … and put on a coat.’”
Joyce Antler’s daughter Lauren, stand-up comedian, on being a DJF (daughter of a Jewish feminist)
Four Jewish mother books
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother. By Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan. Hyperion Press. New York. 2007. 226 pp. $22.95.
The Portable Jewish Mother: Guilt, Food, and When are you Giving Me Grandchildren? By Laurie Rozakis. Adams Media. Avon, Mass. 2007. 280 pp. $12.95.
Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother. By Marnie Winston-Macauley. Andrew McMeel Publishing. Kansas City. 2007. 364 pp. $14.95.
You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother. By Joyce Antler. Oxford University Press. New York. 2007. $24.95.
Borscht Belt resorts and urban delis once overflowed with the laughter elicited by Jewish mother jokes.
Even now, college freshmen (and heck, college professors!) laugh with relief when they found other Jewish offspring to commiserate with about mothers who won’t let go. (What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler? Eventually the rottweiler lets go.)
The jokes don’t all ring true, but if you have a Jewish mother, no matter how nice she is, there will be at least one joke that hits home.
So go ahead, laugh n while you still can. One day, God willing, you’ll have kids of your own, and you’ll be the Jewish mother, and believe me, you won’t think it’s so funny then.
Same verse, different tunes
Just in time for Mother’s Day, four very different books about the Jewish mother have arrived in bookstores. One is a distinguished scholar’s well-researched book; another is the text of a stand-up comedian’s sold-out one-woman show. A third is a little volume of jokes, quizzes and factoids, and the fourth is an idiosyncratic account written by a popular writer and talk show guest.
The four books differ greatly in tone and scope and are written for very different audiences. But they all glean plenty of fodder from the vast field of Jewish mother jokes, and they use them both to entertain the reader and to engage the reader in more serious analysis.
There are other similarities as well. All four books dissect the popular image of the Jewish mother by exploring the history, logic and believability of the stereotype. All attempt to reclaim the Jewish mother by recasting her in a positive light, and all offer examples of Jewish mothers whose penchant for aggressive meddling, overprotectiveness, guilt-tripping or paranoia have made them unacknowledged heroines of Jewish life.
The list of these mothers of valor includes Golda Meir, Betty Friedan, Bella Abzug, Jennie Grossinger, Barbara Walters, Gertrude Berg (TV’s Molly Goldberg), Sophie Tucker, Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler — depending on the author’s definition of valor.
These books also challenge the validity of the Jewish mother stereotype by offering counterexamples from the lives of contemporary Jewish women n themselves included. Yet none of them can resist telling some Jewish mother jokes of their own.
Clearly, each of the books was written with the conscious understanding that while having a Jewish mother may be great for laughs, being a Jewish mother confronted with a negative stereotype isn’t much fun at all.
The mother of all Jewish mother books
Joyce Antler, professor of American Jewish history and culture at Brandeis University and mother of two, has been studying and writing about the stereotype of the Jewish mother for several decades.
Her new book You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother is an entertaining blend of humor and history. Antler’s depth of knowledge and sensitivity to nuance is evident as she looks at representations of Jewish mothers from the immigrant icon of “My Yiddishe Mama” to contemporary stand-up comedians Judy Gold, Sarah Silverman, and her own daughter, Lauren Antler. Watch the short, funny interview with Antler and her daughter at www.jwa.org/discover/throughtheyear/may/mothers/antler/.)
The first half of the book, “The Nagging Stereotype,” offers a fascinating view of the Jewish mother in Yiddish theater and American theater, radio and early television. Antler examines major fictional Jewish mothers but also compares them, when possible, with the real-life women like Sophie Tucker and Gertrude Berg, who as authors and performers brought these icons to life.
Berg created the character Molly Goldberg, the nurturing Jewish mother at the heart of the popular radio and early TV show “The Rise of the Goldbergs.” Antler describes Berg as “a powerful, one-woman ‘auteur’” who wrote more than 10,000 of the scripts for “The Goldbergs,” “starred in it, and produced and directed as well.” While Molly was a working-class wife and mother, Berg was “a sophisticated, modern intellectual and a pioneering writer, actor, and producer at a time when few women held leadership roles in media.”
After WW II, Antler writes, the Jewish mother was portrayed as “aggressive and manipulative, living vicariously through her children, especially sons. she was drawn as a ‘satirical harpy’ — domineering, meddling, suffocating.” The most virulent examples are the fictional Jewish mothers created by male writers like Bruce Jay Friedman in Mother’s Kisses (1964) and Philip Roth in Portnoy’s Complaint (1969).
Antler argues that negative “representations of the Jewish mother reveal deep-seated anxieties about Jews’ relation to the culture at large.” In other words, the Jewish mother, with her exaggerated intrusiveness and aggression, was the scapegoat for feelings of alienation and self-loathing which Jewish men believed prevented them from smoothly assimilating into American society.
The second half of Antler’s book begins with “the generation of American Jewish daughters who came of age in the 1960s.” It deals with the ambivalent relationship the feminist movement has had with motherhood in general and Jewish motherhood in particular. Initially, rebelling daughters rejected their mothers as negative role models. “Daughters worried that they might become as unhappy, frustrated, and controlling as their own mothers,” writes Antler. Betty Friedan, “who admitted she wrote The Feminine Mystique to distance herself from her mother,” blamed her mother (a journalist who regretted giving up her work when she married) for “dominating the family” and for being “hypocritical” and “selfish.”
Ultimately, Antler argues, the image of the Jewish mother has been neither static nor relentlessly hostile. “Nurturant, enabling portraits of mothers,” like those found in Wendy Wasserstein’s “The Sisters Rosensweig” or Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent, “attest to the resiliciency and adaptability of the image over time.”
The Jewish mother as a 6’ lesbian stand-up comic
“Did Milton Berle, Alan King, Sid Caesar, or Woody Allen really invent the stereotype of the Jewish mother? Or had it always been there, lying nascent in some shtetl, just ripe for the picking?”
Judy Gold
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother is a very different sort of book from the others n both funnier and more personal. Over a five-year period, comedian Judy Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan interviewed Jewish mothers all over the country of all denominations and ages. They asked each one 25 questions that ranged from “Why do you think Jewish mothers are the butt of so many jokes?” to “Have you ever experienced anti-Semitism?” and “Would you sit shiva if your child married a non-Jew?”
Those interviews became the kernel of Gold’s sold-out one-woman show “25 Questions for a Jewish Mother” and now the book of the same title. Gold uses the women’s answers sparingly as touchstones for her own thoughts and jokes as she creates a narrative of herself as both the daughter of a Jewish mother and as a Jewish mother herself. Gold has two boys she raises with her former long-term partner (she quips that she feels sorry for her kids because they have two Jewish mothers).
Gold’s relentlessly funny jokes and observations (see sidebar) aren’t there simply for laughs. Throughout the volume, they develop into a more complicated understanding of the Jewish mother, one that evokes Gold’s sympathy for her ruthless mother, while allowing her to accept the Jewish mother n the worrier, the nag — in herself.
“When this began, all I wanted to prove was that I was different from the typical Jewish mother,” Gold writes. “But interviewing these women has enriched my life … Hearing their stories gave me strength, and I also got to know my mother in a way I never had before. She’s still part of my act n I mean, I have to make a living now that I have two kids to support. I need material.”
Instant Jewish mother
The other two books on the Jewish mother are less sure-footed. Both of them, while at times funny and uplifting, are essentially confused about what they’re trying to achieve.
Laurie Rozakis’s The Portable Jewish Mother: Guilt, Food, and When are you Giving Me Grandchildren? is an entertaining if odd little book of quizzes, short profiles, and fun facts. Its cover resembles a soup can (matzah ball, of course), and the book is intended to be a “portable” version of a Jewish mother. “Now you can carry advice and guilt with you all the time,” Rozakis writes.
The confusing thing is that while the book purports to teach mothers how to act, think and talk like a stereotypical Jewish mother, it also argues that when you get to know them, Jewish mothers aren’t anything like the stereotypes in those awful jokes.
Rozakis is certainly funny, but the book is erratic in tone and in scope.
Truth without humor
The chatty Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother by writer and popular talk-show guest Marnie Winston-Macauley is an intriquing but disordered tangle of history, anecdotes, jokes, and fun facts.
She does bring in some unusual perspectives, including that of Jewish mothers in sports (she interviews gymnast Kerri Strug’s mother).
More than the other three books, Macauley’s emphasizes a Jewish mother’s pride in and unconditional love for her children. As Mallory Lewis, daughter of the late Shari Lewis, says, “Mom died in 1998. My son was born in 1999. When something great happens, I long to talk to her … I’m shocked I don’t have her number.”
Macauley does manage to provide a richer portrait of the Jewish mother, even if she doesn’t succeed in creating a coherent account of why the stereotype of the Jewish mother exists or the function it serves.
She ends the book with “The Aleph-baiz of Jewish Mother Humor,” 26 of the the least funny Jewish mother jokes ever written because they’re all loving depictions of the Jewish mother’s homespun immigrant wisdom.
The best jokes, it has been suggested, are attempts to misplace hostility. Judy Gold sometimes describes her Jewish mother jokes as the silver lining in a childhood of storms.
“My mother always says, ‘Without me, you’d have no act,’” Gold says. “She is constantly calling and asking me, ‘Where are my residuals?’”
lhanft@cjn.org
What is a Jewish mother?
“The Jewish mother stereotype is a common stereotype used by Jewish comedians, usually when discussing (fictionally or not) their mothers. The stereotype generally involves a nagging, overprotective, and overbearing mother, one who is often getting involved in her children’s lives long after they have grown up.”
Wikipedia entry for Jewish mother
Mother: Hello, Amila. I don’t know if you heard the latest on the portable stereos, but they’re saying that the foam earpiece on the headphones is a prime breeding ground for bacteria. So if you still insist on walking around with the headphones on, you may wanna take an antibiotic. OK, hon?
Mother: Hi, Amila. It’s me, honey. If you haven’t already left to go to the motor vehicle bureau, keep in mind that the wait is very long. So before you get in line, you may wanna empty your bladder. All right, honey, that’s all for now. Bye-bye.
Mother: (singing) … How old are you now? How old are you now? Better hurry and find a husband before your ovaries shut down. All right, that’s just a little creativity for my birthday girl. I love you, sweetie.
Amy Borkowsky, Amy’s Answering Machine: Messages from Mom (cited in Antler You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother)
“We asked each woman what her favorite Jewish mother joke was, if she had one. … Mine has always been ‘How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?’
“‘None. I’ll sit in the dark.’
“My mother’s is ‘Three women are sitting on a park bench. One says, “Oy,” Another says “Oy.” And the third one says, “I thought we weren’t going to take about the kids today.’”
Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan, 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother
“My mother took guilt to a whole new level … Every holiday, before the meal, we started with my mother’s unique version of the opening baruchah, which I renamed the ‘Lack of Appreciation Blessing.’ It was very prevalent during Passover seders, and it went something like this: ‘Never again! I work so hard, and no one appreciates it. Why do I continue to try? I have no idea. Well, this is it. This is the last seder you’ll see from me. The last time. What’s the point?’ We’d look at each other and say ‘Amen’ quickly …”
Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan, 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother
“A Jewish mother would call and say, ‘Honey, have you looked outside? It’s snowing. You might want to put on a jacket. You know what, on second thought, maybe a snowsuit; I’m gonna revise that, you’re gonna need a sheild. On third thought, don’t go outside at all … you could die!’
But a Jewish feminist mother would call and say, ‘honey, have you looked outside? It’s snowing. I hope you don’t think that’s a reason to stay inside and take a break from fighting the patriarchy. Because the misogyny happens out there whether it’s raining or sleeting or snowing or whatever. And what?! Are you going to wait for a man to shovel the snow? I don’t think so. Let’s get serious … and put on a coat.’”
Joyce Antler’s daughter Lauren, stand-up comedian, on being a DJF (daughter of a Jewish feminist)
Four Jewish mother books
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother. By Judy Gold and Kate Moira Ryan. Hyperion Press. New York. 2007. 226 pp. $22.95.
The Portable Jewish Mother: Guilt, Food, and When are you Giving Me Grandchildren? By Laurie Rozakis. Adams Media. Avon, Mass. 2007. 280 pp. $12.95.
Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother. By Marnie Winston-Macauley. Andrew McMeel Publishing. Kansas City. 2007. 364 pp. $14.95.
You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother. By Joyce Antler. Oxford University Press. New York. 2007. $24.95.
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