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Creating a more welcoming Jewish community
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Ruth Abrams is managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com, a nonprofit that provides resources for interfaith families exploring Jewish life. The Beachwood High School graduate talked to the CJN about welcoming non-Jewish partners and how their inclusion can strengthen the Jewish community.
Q: How did you get interested in interfaith families?
A: Before I started this job, I was dumb, and I didn’t realize how important this issue is … it just wasn’t on my radar. Interfaith couples have a lot of issues you don’t know about if you’re not in an
interfaith relationship.
Because Jews don’t proselytize, (non-Jewish relatives or parents) have never been a “category” in Jewish law or Jewish tradition. There’s not a prescribed way to integrate and retain these families in the community.
So your mission isn’t to prevent interfaith marriage?
No. We don’t promote it, and we can’t prevent it. So many more Jews are marrying non-Jews; even observant Jews are in interfaith relationships.
We all know couples who say, “The rabbi wouldn’t officiate at my wedding, and I’ll never set foot in that synagogue again.” If you put your energy into preventing interfaith marriages, then after the wedding you can’t say, “OK, now come to synagogue.”
Studies show couples who insist on having a rabbi at their wedding are more likely to affiliate and raise their children Jewish. So, on our site we have a service that links couples with rabbis who will officiate. Some rabbis have conditions; others don’t, but we want to make sure people will have a good experience because we want them to be part of the Jewish community after they get married.
How many interfaith couples raise their children Jewish?
Well in Cleveland, it’s a lot. We have 66% of interfaith families saying they raise their kids Jewish, compared with about 60% in Boston and fewer than a third in other cities. It’s more remarkable because Cleveland has a relatively low rate of intermarriage. But Cleveland does a lot of things right, and in my talk at Siegal College (see box, p. 12), I’ll cover what social factors in Cleveland promote raising children Jewish.
You have to decide to raise your kid “something.” People sometimes try to raise children as “nothing,” and that’s not the greatest thing for kids because then they feel like they’re nothing. For some people, that can be painful.
What’s working?
One thing they do in Boston that’s simple and cheap is printing at the bottom of every flyer: “We welcome interfaith families to this event.”
Tot Shabbat is good for a parent who is not Jewish and doesn’t know how to create a Jewish environment. The PJ Library sends Jewish books home, so you don’t have to go into public space and identify yourself as “not knowing.”
What about older kids, say bar mitzvah age?
The non-Jewish grandparents are just glowing with pride that their grandson is having this ceremony, and they like to kvell even if they don’t have the word for it. But can the non-Jewish parent participate in the service as fully as the Jewish parent? That can be an issue.
Are there other issues for couples besides parenting?
Some things people don’t think about are lifecycle events, like a death. The children or the spouse has to figure out where to bury (their loved one), and if one partner wants to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, they can’t be buried together with the non-Jewish spouse.
What if a non-Jewish relative dies? Do you sit shiva? It puts people in a weird situation. What if your parent was a devout Catholic? Jews-by-choice are part of our target audience because they have the same issues (with their non-Jewish relatives).
What about the non-Jewish spouse who lives a Jewish life and participates?
People make a strong commitment to do this. Sometimes the non-Jewish partner puts him or herself in tough situations (with their birth families). Their family might think it’s weird. This is why the Jewish community should be attentive and listen to them and understand what their situations are.
Remember, Judaism doesn’t make it easy for them to convert.
What has gotten better?
More people in interfaith relationships are choosing to raise their children as Jews because we’re letting them do it. As more people identify themselves as Jews, there are more ways to be Jewish, and that’s good. Still, it’s hard to get the education you need to be a Jewish adult, whether you’re from an interfaith family or not. We have high barriers to full participation. You have to know Hebrew, or you’re going to be a little lost.
It’s hard to be optimistic, but we have to try something different from what we’ve been doing.
Reported and edited by Ellen Schur Brown.
WHAT: Ruth Abrams, Ph.D., on “The Many Faces of Interfaith Families: Past Present and Future”
WHERE: Siegal College
WHEN: Mon., Nov. 2, at 7 p.m.
FREE RESERVATIONS: 216-464-4050 or evenings@siegalcollege.edu
Q: How did you get interested in interfaith families?
A: Before I started this job, I was dumb, and I didn’t realize how important this issue is … it just wasn’t on my radar. Interfaith couples have a lot of issues you don’t know about if you’re not in an
interfaith relationship.
Because Jews don’t proselytize, (non-Jewish relatives or parents) have never been a “category” in Jewish law or Jewish tradition. There’s not a prescribed way to integrate and retain these families in the community.
So your mission isn’t to prevent interfaith marriage?
No. We don’t promote it, and we can’t prevent it. So many more Jews are marrying non-Jews; even observant Jews are in interfaith relationships.
We all know couples who say, “The rabbi wouldn’t officiate at my wedding, and I’ll never set foot in that synagogue again.” If you put your energy into preventing interfaith marriages, then after the wedding you can’t say, “OK, now come to synagogue.”
Studies show couples who insist on having a rabbi at their wedding are more likely to affiliate and raise their children Jewish. So, on our site we have a service that links couples with rabbis who will officiate. Some rabbis have conditions; others don’t, but we want to make sure people will have a good experience because we want them to be part of the Jewish community after they get married.
How many interfaith couples raise their children Jewish?
Well in Cleveland, it’s a lot. We have 66% of interfaith families saying they raise their kids Jewish, compared with about 60% in Boston and fewer than a third in other cities. It’s more remarkable because Cleveland has a relatively low rate of intermarriage. But Cleveland does a lot of things right, and in my talk at Siegal College (see box, p. 12), I’ll cover what social factors in Cleveland promote raising children Jewish.
You have to decide to raise your kid “something.” People sometimes try to raise children as “nothing,” and that’s not the greatest thing for kids because then they feel like they’re nothing. For some people, that can be painful.
What’s working?
One thing they do in Boston that’s simple and cheap is printing at the bottom of every flyer: “We welcome interfaith families to this event.”
Tot Shabbat is good for a parent who is not Jewish and doesn’t know how to create a Jewish environment. The PJ Library sends Jewish books home, so you don’t have to go into public space and identify yourself as “not knowing.”
What about older kids, say bar mitzvah age?
The non-Jewish grandparents are just glowing with pride that their grandson is having this ceremony, and they like to kvell even if they don’t have the word for it. But can the non-Jewish parent participate in the service as fully as the Jewish parent? That can be an issue.
Are there other issues for couples besides parenting?
Some things people don’t think about are lifecycle events, like a death. The children or the spouse has to figure out where to bury (their loved one), and if one partner wants to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, they can’t be buried together with the non-Jewish spouse.
What if a non-Jewish relative dies? Do you sit shiva? It puts people in a weird situation. What if your parent was a devout Catholic? Jews-by-choice are part of our target audience because they have the same issues (with their non-Jewish relatives).
What about the non-Jewish spouse who lives a Jewish life and participates?
People make a strong commitment to do this. Sometimes the non-Jewish partner puts him or herself in tough situations (with their birth families). Their family might think it’s weird. This is why the Jewish community should be attentive and listen to them and understand what their situations are.
Remember, Judaism doesn’t make it easy for them to convert.
What has gotten better?
More people in interfaith relationships are choosing to raise their children as Jews because we’re letting them do it. As more people identify themselves as Jews, there are more ways to be Jewish, and that’s good. Still, it’s hard to get the education you need to be a Jewish adult, whether you’re from an interfaith family or not. We have high barriers to full participation. You have to know Hebrew, or you’re going to be a little lost.
It’s hard to be optimistic, but we have to try something different from what we’ve been doing.
Reported and edited by Ellen Schur Brown.
WHAT: Ruth Abrams, Ph.D., on “The Many Faces of Interfaith Families: Past Present and Future”
WHERE: Siegal College
WHEN: Mon., Nov. 2, at 7 p.m.
FREE RESERVATIONS: 216-464-4050 or evenings@siegalcollege.edu
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