I’m feeling left out.

My name is Ruchi, and I don’t drink coffee. In fact, I don’t even understand the appeal of coffee. I feel like I’m insulting someone’s firstborn child, but coffee is brown ugly bitter sludge. And people literally talk about it like some mythical fountain of life. I get memes that say things like, “just give me coffee and nobody gets hurt” and “the most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee” and I am very afraid for the future of the human race.

Don’t even get me started on Starbucks where you fork over multiple dollars for hot drinks that are even more bitter than regular coffee. And they always correct you when you order. If someone from 1982 would walk into a Starbucks today and hear someone request, “double ristretto venti half-soy nonfat decaf organic chocolate brownie iced vanilla double-shot gingerbread frappuccino extra hot with foam whipped cream upside down double blended, one Sweet’N Low and one Nutrasweet, and ice,” he would run in fright. When I do go to Starbucks for a meeting, I very quietly, so no one will hear me, order my usual: “oatmeal with brown sugar and a banana.” Yes. That is what I order at Starbucks. 

Moving on to chocolate. I’m just going to put this right out there: I don’t understand why everyone loves chocolate. Looking at you, women. What am I missing? I like a candy bar every now and then, but really? There’s a reverence in people’s voices when discussing chocolate that leaves me puzzled. Is there some transformative property to the (once again) brown bitter stuff that I’m not comprehending? And then the memes. “If chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is?” Me. I care what the question is. Is the question: “What is most overrated brown bitter thing, after coffee, that middle-aged women can think of?” I hope so.

I happen to be a vanilla girl. I like vanilla ice cream and vanilla desserts. But you never hear us vanilla people quoting vanilla memes. They don’t even exist. See, life’s not fair.

Finally, wine. From their winey conversations, you would think all my friends are alcoholics. And maybe they are. I like a glass Friday night here and there, but you see a woman – particularly a mom – talking about wine, and it’s like the Messiah just showed up. Guys, they’re fermented grapes. And most of them don’t even taste good. Yeah, I know all about the “roll it around your tongue like a drop of fine wine.” It’s like coffee and chocolate – it’s bitter. I feel like the little kid in the emperor’s new clothes. Am I missing something key and vital in this universe?

Shall I tell you what is better than coffee, chocolate, and wine? May I reveal the true secret of happiness? Should I tell you what the real answer is, no matter what the question? Ok. I will.

Pasta.

Pasta is always the answer. Pasta is hot, savory and comforting. It’s cheap and always around. I am here to show you the light, friends. True, it’s not as sophisticated as a double ristretto venti half-soy nonfat decaf organic chocolate brownie iced vanilla double-shot gingerbread frappuccino extra hot with foam whipped cream upside down double blended, one Sweet’N Low and one Nutrasweet, and ice, but you can always pronounce it and it’s always your friend.

You’re welcome.

Disclaimer

Letters, commentaries and opinions appearing in the Cleveland Jewish News do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Cleveland Jewish Publication Company, its board, officers or staff.

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